Arsenal Highlights Series: How do you spell Leyton Orient?

At the end of a hard fought match yesterday, Arsenal's 10 men final overcame the League 1 side to go through to meet another League 1 side (Leyton Orient) in the 5th Round of the FA Cup. This means they should make it through the Quarter-Finals pretty easily. Then again, yesterday's match should have been easier too, so you never know. My brother seems to be calling for a quadruple... Arsenal winning all 4 major trophies this year. We'll all keep our fingers crossed, but I honestly don't see it happening. Maybe Wenger will actually sign someone before the transfer window closes this evening, but I honestly don't see that happening either, & barring the addition of another central defender, they just aren't deep enough to really compete for everything. Here are the highlights from the match yesterday.

"We're Goin' to Wembley!"... & Maybe The Elbow Room

This is neither the "royal 'we,'" nor the "collective 'we,'" but rather the "quotatative 'we.'" This is only vaguely connected to the 25th anniversary of the Challenger disaster, but related none-the-less.As people were talking about it this week, it got me thinking about where I was when I heard about it: Mr. Harvey's 6th grade math class in Petoskey, MI. I wasn't the greatest student as a middle-schooler, believe it or not, but he was an alright guy... aside from his odd proclivity towards jamming Glenn Frey in class. I remember 1 day we had to listen to his new album, the 1 which was featured on Miami Vice w/ "Smuggler's Blues" & "You Belong to the City." WTF? Remember all the Christie McAuliffe jokes? I know they were horrible. In fact, even as a 6th grader, I knew they were a little inappropriate, but here's the 1 I just wrote. When I say "just," I mean while I was looking up how to spell her last name.

Q: Who's the only person who fell further than Christie McAuliffe in 1986?
A: Glen Frey... I mean really! What ever happened to him? One minute he's on top of the world w/ Miami Vice; the next minute he's begging Don Henley for an Eagles reunion.

Anyway, I didn't log in to take cheap shots @ The Eagles... that's too easy. I logged in to meander down 6th grade's memory lane. Other than the Challenger, the other things that stand out are WWF (we were in the heyday of Hulkamania), Garbage Pail Kids (these stupid stickers that combined the charm of Cabbage Patch Kids w/ the aesthetic of "What's grosser than gross?" jokes), & the 1986 World Cup in Mexico. As you remember, France knocked Brazil out in the 1/4 finals after a hard fought 120 minutes when the game finally went to penalties & Fernandes scored during the penalty kick shoot-out. of course, they ended up losing the 1/2 finals to Germany when the ref left his brain in the cab, causing France to go out 2 World Cups in a row against Germany in Semi-Final matches due to sub-par reffing.
In fact, & I know this will come as a shock, many of my Petoskey memories revolve around soccer...

... Which is how we can relate all of this to Wembley. The title of the post come from the chant often sung by fans of the winning team during the semi-finals of cup competitions in England seeing as the finals are held there. This only interests me because on Tuesday, those fans happened to be fans of Arsenal, which brings me to the point of this post: Jean asked why I hadn't written about this yet.

Arsenal are going to the Carling Cup Finals at Wembley on 27 February, 2011. The main reason I hadn't mentioned this yet is because it's only the Carling Cup... & they're only playing Birmingham City. They should win so they'll probably lose 1-0 which will then spell the end of their strong run as they lose confidence, crash out of the FA Cup & barely qualify for Europe. All of those other competitions are more interesting... & more prestigious. That said, it's nice to see them back chasing a trophy since they haven't done this since they lost to Chelsea in the finals of the same tournament in 2007. They lost to Barcelona in the Champions League finals in 2006. The last thing they actually won was the FA Cup in 2005. Which reminds me, it's FA Cup 4th Round weekend so enjoy... & then come on out to The Elbow Room tonight for Deep Space Six!

She-Refs & She-Hulks

I've been offered a Sci/Fi class for next year. It may happen in the fall, but it will certainly happen in the winter. I've spent the last week or so obsessing about what to cover, & yesterday @ Nicola's I was talking about this w/ a co-worker. When I mentioned The Handmaid's Tale, this person suggested that it may be a bit out-dated & that sort of patriarchal distopian is no longer a possibility. That claim didn't sit right w/ me for 2 reasons. 1) Even if it's an impossibility, the book was important & influential when it came out & 2) I don't know that I really believe a patriarchal future is really out of the question. I mean, we're in a patriarchal present after all. That said, I didn't connect this conversation w/ the previous day's soccer viewing though until just now though.

While watching the Liverpool v Wolves match on Saturday, I noticed that the Assistant Referee was a woman. I'd always wondered why men reffed women's games, but women never reffed men's games. I suppose I should preface that by saying that I always kind of knew why, but didn't want to believe that it really just came down to the sexist bastards in charge of the leagues. Apparently, that's the case though. Or at least, it's clear that the sexism of the higher-ups is still rampant. According to someone on the BBC this morning, this was the 3rd time a woman has worked a like in a Premier League match. Kudos to those 3 for doing that, but also for doing that in the face of people like douchebags extraordinaire Andy Grey & Richard Keys. They were the 2 commentators on Sky Sports calling the game. As the BBC story reported this morning, they left their mics on while suggesting that they should explain the off-sides rule to her because "Women don't know the offsides rule." In their defense, most don't, but most men don't either. It's a tricky rule. However, we're talking about a person who has passed all of the highest levels of testing to earn her place as a Premier League referee. Ironically, she made 2 correct off-sides decisions when the commentators needed to view the replay to acknowledge that she was right. One call lead to a goal that they originally thought should have been called back. The other to calling back an attack they originally claimed should have continued. Perhaps they need it explained to them... by this particular ref maybe... or maybe by Brandi Chastain, Mia Hamm, Jayne Ludlow or any other the other 10s of 1,000s of women who have made a living playing or reffing professional soccer.

At least they didn't, as Karen Bradey, the Vice-Chair of West Ham United explained, demand she make them a pot of tea. Bradey said that would have been beyond the pale... & she's right, but no one seems to be discussing what was said during the match... it's all about what they said when they thought no one was listening.

During the match, they referred to her as a "Lady ref." The term "Assistant Referee" came into usage in 1996 (yes, 15 years ago) to curtail the sexist language of the term "linesmen," yet as soon as female referees come into the game, the announcers feel the need to marginalize them. They never referred to the other referees as "Gentlemen refs;" "Lady refs" is clearly ridiculous. It's only 1 step above "She-Refs," & they're not wolves... or Hulks.

Speaking of sci/fi characters, here's the list of Sci/Fi books I'm thinking of doing in my class. It needs some work yet, but so far, it looks like it'll be fun.

Frankenstein: Mary Shelly (1818)
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: Jules Verne (1868)
or
The Steam House: Jules Verne (1879)
War of the Worlds: H. G. Wells (1898)
We: Yevgeny Zamyatin (1921)
Brave New World: Adolus Huxley (1932)
Nineteen Eighty-Four: George Orwell (1949)
Childhood's End: Aurthur C. Clarke (1953)
A Clockwork Orange: Anthony Burgess (1962)
Slaughterhouse-Five: Kurt Vonnegut (1969)
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep: Philip K. Dick (1969)
The Left Hand of Darkness: Ursula K. Le Guin (1969)
or
The Lathe of Heaven: Ursula K. Le Guin (1971)
The Princess Bride: William Goldman (1973)
Kindred: Octavia Butler (1979)
The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy: Douglas Adams (1979)
Neuromancer: William Gibson (1984)
The Handmaid's Tale: Margaret Atwood (1985)
The Sparrow: Mary Doria Russel (1996)
Dream of Perpetual Motion: Dexter Palmer (2010)

I'm also considering a graphic novel (probably an Alan Moore) and an anthology of shorter stuff. Feel free to post your suggestions. I want to try to avoid the more common stuff that they've probably read already, and the books need to be coverable in a week.

A Team: B Movie

Like most of you, I grew up lovin' The A Team. Like a few of you, I grew up w/ certain episodes memorized. I watched it every week, & then when I was in high school it was on in syndication so I got to watch it again. I always enjoyed the episodes in exotic locations the most. In one, they help rangers in an Elephant reserve in Africa (BA bangs the ranger). In another episode, they fight Nazis on the Amazon (Face probably bangs someone, but I don't remember). In another episode, they end up in Eastern Europe to play a football game against the Russians (an obvious Victory rip-off). Why they thought ripping off Victory was a good idea was never explained unless it was solely as an excuse to get Joe Namath to guest star... in which case, I can think of a handful of better plots in which he could have featured. The pilot (which aired immediately after Super Bowl XVII... the Redskins beat Miami 27-17) takes place in Mexico & sees the team fighting a drug cartel. (You may remember that this episode lent its name to one of our favorite inventions, The Mexican Slayride: a glass of Negra Modelo w/ a couple shots of Captain Morgan's. Like the unexplained problems in the football episode, we encounter a rather odd one in the pilot too: Why it's spelled "slay" instead of "sleigh".


With this in mind, I took it upon myself to sit through the new A Team film the other night. It was better than I expected, but it was still a piece of shit. The problems weren't what I'd heard though. People have complained about the acting and the plot, but the cast is good & the plot almost works. I don't mind that it was updated to do away w/ the Viet Nam back story. Placing the team in Iraq makes sense. The real problems lie in the directing & editing. A more unified vision would have made it a good film, but the long, sweeping, beautiful landscape shots are cut short to get the action, but then the action is disjointed. It's disjointed because they don't take the time that was required to build up the story. Maybe I'm asking too much from an '80's TV reboot, but when it comes to The A Team, I can be pretty demanding. It seems like another case of the old "too many cooks" situation.

What I really liked about the film:
1) The explanation of BA's fear of flying. It works, & it's funny.
2) the destruction of the van. It happens early, & it's also kind of funny.
3) The bad guys. They're more complex than 1 would expect.
4) The way they updated it while keeping the camp factor the same.Speaking of the van, if you live in the LA area, and no other car service can help for your wedding, maybe you can hire The A Team Van!

25 Books & a Fun Little Game

Here's the deal. I scored an advance copy of a book called Twenty-Five Books that Shaped America by U/M Flint professor Thomas C. Foster today. It's a fun, if somewhat pretentious, book. I was kind of surprised that a Lit Prof wrote it, as it's clearly a quick money grab w/o much cultural capital (more so than my stupid blog though, so who am I to talk?). W/ that in mind, we have a little game to play. After you read the list of books (& the honorable mention), explain the one book you would delete from the list & the one w/ which you would replace it. The books are listed chronologically & they are picked based on how they helped shape the "American Identity." It seems like a book Harold Bloom would have written. Silly, but kind of fun. You'll get bonus points if you construct a cheesy chapter title for your pick, just like Professor Foster did. Here it goes:

1) Maybe Just a Little Made Up: The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin:
I hated this book when I was in high school. I tolerated it when I was in college. I got freshman to enjoy it's humor & hypocrisy when I taught it a few years ago.

2) A Man, a Plan, a Flintlock: The Last of the Mohicans:
It's a fun story & it definitely helped that generation define itself in the midst of the American Renaissance.

3) The Allegory Man Cometh: The Scarlet Letter:
One of the few books I read as a high school sophomore that I actually enjoyed. It's cool & it features one of the hottest fiction characters of all time...Hester Prynne.

4) Gotta Get Back to the Pond & Set My Soul Free: Walden:
I'm honestly not a huge fan of this book, but it's historical significance can't be denied.

5) The Good Grey Poet, My Eye: Leaves of Grass:
Awesome. If you haven't read it, read it... now!

6) Girls Gone Mild: Little Women:
I have a feeling he came up w/ the chapter title & decided to base the book around it. It's not in the same category as the other books, but it was good stuff & was an early example of 19th century feminism. Plus, the movie is pretty good too.

7) About a Boy and a Raft: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn:
See the post from a few days ago.

8) I've Been Workin' on a Whale-Road: Moby Dick:
I read it for the 1st time in 1997 & loved it. It's a crazy book. I have no idea how many times I've read it over the last 14 years, but I'm sure I'll get to it again some time soon.

9) Twofer: A Boy's Will & North of Boston:
These are the 1st 2 books of Robert Frost's poetry. He is often forgotten, but then as soon as you read him, you say, "Oh, right... he's good."

10) In Praise of Prairie: My Antonia:
Willa Cather is cool, but I don't know that I've ever read this book.

11) A Whole Heap of Ashes: The Great Gatsby:
It's cool, but I've always thought it's a bit overrated. It's historical significance can't be overstated though.

12) Life is a Carnival: The Sun Also Rises:
Hemingway is cool, but it seems hard to decide which of his books is the most significant. I would guess his shorter stuff has been more widely read since high schoolers read stuff like The Old Man & the Sea all the time.

13) It Takes a Weary Man to Sing a Weary Song: The Weary Blues:
Langston Hughes was huge then & is still probably the best known writer of his generation. He's often the only person students have read when they come to African American Lit.

14) The Bird is the Word: The Maltese Falcon:
It's a fun book, but maybe its main influence on American culture is based on the film. I taught it once & it went over pretty well.

15) So Big: U. S. A.:
I've never read it. I've heard it's good, but I've never read it. Maybe I'll give it a go next summer.

16) The Winepress of Injustice: The Grapes of Wrath:
Clearly influential, but I would say both the play & the film are actually better... unless you have a thing for long passages about turtles crossing roads.

17) Like a hurricane: Their Eyes Were Watching God:
Kind of like The Great Gatsby, it's a bit melodramatic, but it's a fun one. Like The Scarlet Letter, it features one of the hottest protagonists in American Lit.

18) He Ain't Heavy, he's My Cousin: Go Down, Moses:
Is it possible that I've never read any of Faulkner's novels? I think that might be the case. That said, this is basically a collection of short stories. I would think, that his novels would be more influential.

19) American Candide: The Adventures of Augie March:
Saul Bellow? I'm a little overwhelmed by the total number of books he wrote. Maybe this is a good place to start.

20) Me & My Shadow: On the Road:
Not his best book, but it's fun & it was soooo important to me when I was 18. Plus, it was obviously influential.

21) When Reading Got Good: The Cat in the Hat:
Is it more influential than Green Eggs & Ham? who knows... it's pretty cool though.

22) Walk a Mile in My Shoes: To Kill a Mockingbird:
I don't know if it shaped the culture or just reflected the times, but it's probably been read by more of us than any other book on this list.

23) Not in Kansas Anymore: The Crying of Lot 49:
I've never hidden my love for the weird post-modern stuff, but I've never read this one.

24) Race. Relations.: Song of Solomon:
Toni Morrison definitely knows how to put words together on the page. Her sentences are always great.

25) Home, Home on the Res: Love Medicine:
From the chapter title, I was expecting Sherman Alexie, but Love Medicine is probably more influential over all.

Honorable Mention:
Letters from an American Farmer, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Daisy Miller, The Rise of Silas Lapham, The Red Badge of Courage, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Winesburg Ohio, The Age of Innocence, Babbitt, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, The Bridge, Native Son, The Catcher in the Rye, Paterson, The House on Mango Street

I think I would replace the Robert Frost books w/ The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave. Frost is obviously important, but it's only a few poems from those books that really had an impact & only later. Douglass has a huge impact immediately, & was able to put a new twist on the use of the Byronic Hero during the American Renaissance. That's my pick... what's yours?

The 15 Greatest Musicals

Last week, I discussed a couple of my favorite musicals. After a little criticism from my brother, I thought I should give you my list of the best musicals of all time... In reverse order, of course. (And we're only only including films that fall w/in the traditional definition of the musical, those in which the musical numbers actually advance the plot, rather than music based bio-pics in which the musical numbers are seperate performances, divorced from the narrative. Hence, no mention of La Bamba (1987) or Coal Miner's Daughter (1980))

15. West Side Story (1961):
I've always dug this one. It's got everything one wants, but it drags @ times so it's not further up the list.

14. Best little Whore House in Texas (1982):
A crap-ass movie, but it's got Renyolds, & Dolly Parton, & it takes place in a brothel. Barring those 3 points, it would never have made the list, but come on: props where props are due.

13. Kiss Me Kate (1953):
Taming of the Shrew is my fav of the comedies, so I was always going to love a musical based on it. Plus, when I was in 6th grade, I dated a girl named Kate & read a novelization. I can still picture the cover. (I had no idea it was based on Shakespeare back then though.)

12. School Daze (1988):
I must admit; I wasn't expecting the musical numbers when I watched it the first time. They work though. Plus it's set on against the backdrop of college protests in reference to divesting in South African Apartheid. Is there a better backdrop for a musical? I think not.

11. On the Town (1949):
I've never figured out if the homoerotic sub-text was intended, or if when one makes a musical w/ Sinatra & Gene Kelly about naval ship-mates on leave in NY it's just unavoidable. either way, the movie is a bit of a train wreck. Don't look away. You might miss something absolutely ridiculous.

10. Fiddler on the Roof (1971):
It's odd that Topal's 1st reference on the new blog isn't regarding Flash Gordon. We'll have to remedy that by a Flash Gordon rewatch this weekend. Isaiah seemed interested when he saw the DVD case the other day. Anyway... it's a fun movie w/ great songs. If I were a rich man, I'd buy all sorts of fancy Dijon ketchups.

9. Brigadoon (1954):
The framing device makes no sense @ all. that's OK though because it's set in the Scottish Highlands & it's really just an excuse to have men in kilts dance around & play up all of the basic Highlander stereotypes. Plus, there's the obligatory Gene Kelly homoerotics just like in On the Town. Awesome.

8. The Music Man (1962):
I love that this guy shows up, cons the town, bags the uptight librarian, & ends up the hero. Only in America!

7. The Wizard of Oz (1939):
There's no place like home, unless your home life kinda sucks. In which case, there are a lot of places like home. That's not the case for Dorothy Gale though. She kicks ass on 2 witches, helps out a bunch of weird-ass friends, & then wakes up in time for dinner.

6. Grease (1978):
I lived many years trying to hate this movie, but over the last 5 or 6 years, I've come around. It's fun as hell. Plus, Stockard Channing is fantastic.

5. Annie (1982):
This was the 1st film I saw in a theater w/o my parents. Petoskey's Gaslight Cinema was packed to the rafters. It may not be John Huston's best film, it may not even be his best film from the '80's, but it's awesome.

4. Mary Poppins (1964):
I love everything about this movie. It's hard done by missing out on a top-3 spot, but it'll be alright. The parents are great, Dick van Dyke is great. Julie Andrews is great. even the kids put in good performances.

3. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975):
It was on the other night, I fell asleep to the opening credits & woke up to the beginning of the floor show. While "Sweet Transvestite" is clearly the greatest moment of the film, the floor show is pretty cool too. Now describe your balls! "Heavy, black, & pendulous!" Brilliant.

2. The Sound of Music (1965):
The version of "Edelweiss" @ the end always brings a tear to my eye. He's singing about the love of his country to a group of Nazis who have just taken over. If only the rest of Austria was as opposed to the Anschluss as the van Trapp family.

1. Singing in the Rain (1952):
I know this is an obvious choice, but it's just so good. Every moment is great. If you haven't seen lately, give it a go this weekend. We'll have the big "Drifting into Deep Water Singing in the Rain rewatch." It'll be legendary.

Honorable Mention:
Best Busby Berkeley film:
42nd Street (1933)
Best Disney Animated film:
Peter Pan (1953), The Jungle Book (1967), Cinderella (1950)

Censors & Censures

Forgive me if the title of this post sounds like a title of a Freaks & Geeks episode, but we've been rewatching the series over the last couple weeks so it's been on my mind. The 1st half of the title refers to the hotly debated publication of a new edition of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn & The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. The two books are being published together in an attempt to reconcile the narrative structure & bring together Tom Sawyer & its prequel. When Coppola did this w/ the Godfather films, it went over like a lead balloon. The problem w/ the Twain texts isn't so much w/ the chronology (since they're pretty linear anyway), but w/ New South's decision to expunge the "offensive" language. The rationale behind this is that schools are banning the books because of the use of the word "Nigger" (& to a lesser extent, "Injun"), & so w/o these words, kids will have more access to the texts. The flaws in this argument are obvious, but it also leads to the possibility of this occurring in other texts. We can remove all images of violence against animals from Moby Dick, Hamlet can serve cake to his uncle rather than plot to kill him. The names in 19th century Russian epics can be simplified to Bob & Sally.

Of course, the irony here is that, while everyone in the media is upset about this, no one is using the word. They're saying things like "The 'N-Word' is being replaced w/ the word 'slave'." If the media can't use the word in what is supposed to be a frank discussion of the word, maybe New South is actually on to something. However, the fact of the matter is that the word is part of the language, certainly part of the culture in which the books take place, & the violence inherent in this history shouldn't be erased. Furthermore, we should be as offended by the attempt to dislocate the history from the texts as we are by that history of violence or by the attempt to censor the language.

I read Huck Finn in high school, & I really didn't like it. It was only when I was in grad school that I was able to understand why it's such a big deal. The idea that removing a couple racist words (while no violent or sexist imagery is being removed) will make it a more fulfilling book for kids is ridiculous. If they are to read the book, let them read the actual text. They're going to struggle w/ most of it anyway. It's a tough book to read. Tom Sawyer is easier to read, but then again, it's not being taught as often, probably because it's simply seen as an inferior text. Be that as it may, they're both being censored by New South, but you should do yourself a favor & reread a full, uncensored version this winter... you won't be sorry.

Along with the news of this censorship, there's been a lot of talk over the last couple of days about censuring Sarah Palin in response to the shootings in Arizona. I've even seen on web-sites & on Facebook people suggesting that she should be brought to trial. First of all, who would be doing the censuring? Fox News? TLC (home of Sarah Palin's Alaska)? Harper Collins (the publisher of her less than stellar new book, America By Heart)? Not bloody likely. More to the point, it isn't fair to be blaming her. Sure, she's not that bright & she's been one of the leaders of this ridiculous right-wing agenda, but even if the shooter did it because he was influenced by her, that's obviously not what she had in mind when she suggested people should not retreat, they should reload. She was speaking metaphorically, & she can't be held accountable when one crazy guy takes her literally. sure, she had a picture w/ targets on specific Congressional districts, but she didn't really want those people shot. If we can blame her for this type of thing, we can probably blame Huck Finn for the racism common among today's youth. We can blame Iron Maiden when a kid kills himself. We can blame a video game when a couple kids flip out like this guy in Tucson. On the other hand, we don't even know that he was really influenced by her. He claims that The Communist Manifesto was one of his favorite books. Does The Communist Manifesto make people do these things? I've read it a few times but never went on a killing spree. In fact, many of you have read it too. He also claims to love The Wizard of Oz & that we should return to the gold standard. Can we then blame L. Frank Baum.

Certainly, the tenor of the political dialogue has gotten heated & Palin has been a major contributing factor, but if we start these kinds of witch-hunts, we'll be just as bad as the people who censor Huck Finn or just as bad as Palin, herself. Besides, if it really comes down to a 22 year old's inability to distinguish a literal reading from a metaphorical reading, maybe we need to blame English teachers... uh-oh.

Ohhh, Rocky

I haven't been to an EMU production since I took the kids to see Jeff Duncan's Christmas Pantomime based on Peter Pan about 5 Christmases ago. it was good, but 5 years is too long to go w/o a visit to Quirk. The only other thing we'd ever seen there was a production of Amiri Baraka's Dutchman when we were undergrads. When I was working @ WCC, we scored tix to a pretty good production of Victor/Victoria, & we saw a crap production Ghosts @ Mendleson. Of all of them, I was most excited for Ghosts, & then I was subsequently most let down by it too. I don't know why we don't go to more stuff, but whatever the reason, we don't.

That's bound to change next month though as the EMU Department of Communication & Theater Arts is presenting The Rocky Horror Show in February. I have no idea how many times we saw the film in theaters (mainly @ the state in A2, but once @ Fairlane Mall in Dearborn), but we've never seen a stage production of it. I remember the 1st time I saw it, we were @ Holly's apartment in S. Lyon in the summer of '92. A friend of mine from high school was there & we ate deep fried mushrooms... Holly suggested it was like eating fried dog balls. An odd suggestion, but it stuck.I remember being pretty freaked out when Frank entered; I had no idea what it was about & I was certainly not expecting a musical. My reaction was similar about 8 years later when I saw School Daze for the 1st time & they broke into song in that too. I don't usually go for musicals (other than The Sound of Music & Singing in the Rain), but when a good one comes along, it needs to be supported. Who's up for joining us @ Rocky?

Holiday Post #12: The Winner

We were going to call this post "All is Quiet on New Years Day," but the silence you're hearing is actually the residual effects of low voter turn out. (Plus, we've never quoted U2 before, & we're not going to start now.) I guess that's what happens when the candidates just aren't very inspiring. Here we have a lesson we should have learned from George Bush & Michael Dukakis or if not then than at least from John Engler & Geoffery Fieger. Fieger Time!" didn't work then, & "Applegate Time!" was always-already destined to fail now. Oh well, we can suffer through this year like we suffered through the George Bush's single term & come out the other side (next December) w/ a better crop of nominees. Stephanie & Jason both abstained based on the fact that the nominees sucked. Daye said multiple times that she was about to vote but never did. Neither Courtney nor Steve ever got around to it either which means that w/ the 1 late vote on facebook, the returns look like this:
Alicia Keyes: 1
Mariah Carey: 2
Neal Patrick Harris: 1
Penelope Cruz: 1
Jodie Sweetin: 1
Pink: 1
Alanis Morissette: 2
After a grand total of 9 votes, we have a tie between 2 less than stellar pop songstresses which basically means the final decision comes to me. And this isn't the easiest of decisions since I'm rather sympathetic to the belief that this year's crop has yielded some strange fruit. I was actually pulling for Danica McKellar, but such is life. To paraphrase Donald Rumsfeld, You don't go to a Celebrity MILF of the Year contest w/ the MILFs you want, you go w/ the MILFs you have. Before we announce the winner though, we need to give a little shout out to NPH. He was never going to win, but his nomination was a kin to Run-DMC being nominated for a Grammy in 1986. The floodgates are open & in 10 years, you may see gay men dominating the contest.

OK, now on to your winner. I hated her 1st album w/ a passion. It was over-played on the radio & over-praised by the critics. Isn't it ironic then that all these years later I have to do this. I feel like James Tolkan in Top Gun when he has to send Maverick & Goose to Miramar. The saving grace here is that she played God in Dogma... & for once kept her enormous, Julia Robertseque mouth shut. It's not the best Kevin Smith film, but when compared to "One Hand in My Pocket," it seems quite brilliant. So here's to her; your Visions of Ypsi Memorial Celebrity MILF of the Year: Alanis Morissette.